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Plain English before-and-afters
Frances Gordon | 29 August 2006 | 23:06Hi all
We've posted some examples of plain English rewrites on our site. Have a read through them and if you have any comments, here's the place to put them.
You'll notice that all the rewrites we have used are shorter than the original versions. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sometimes when one rewrites something in plain language, it becomes longer. There are three main reasons for this:
1. Jargon needs to be explained. It's shorter to say something like 'RIY is greater for our product than for others in the market' than to explain what RIY actually is. (RIY stands for Return in Yield. It is the figure that is used to compare the costs of different investment products.)
2. We use more white space and a larger font size.
3. We give information that was missing before.
That's all for now. Enjoy the before-and-afters,
Frances
My disclaimer is based on the SAB one - I figured they have good lawyers.
Theirs:
Disclaimer and Confidentiality Note
This e-mail, its attachments, if any, and any rights attaching to it are, unless the context clearly indicates otherwise, the property of The South African Breweries Limited (SAB). It is confidential, private and intended for the addressee only. If you are not the addressee and receive this e-mail by error, please notify the sender, delete this e-mail immediately and do not disclose or use it in any manner whatsoever. Any views and opinions expressed in this e-mail are those of the sender. SAB accepts no liability for any loss or damages whatsoever, and howsoever incurred or suffered, resulting or arising from the use of this email and/or its attachments. SAB does not warrant the integrity of this e-mail or that it is free of errors, viruses, interception or interference.
______________
Mine:
Disclaimer and Confidentiality Note
This e-mail, its attachments, if any, and any rights attaching to it are, unless the context clearly indicates otherwise, the property of Simplicity Studios (Pty) ltd. It is confidential, private and intended for the addressee only.
If you are not the addressee and receive this e-mail by error- do the right thing!
Simplicity accepts no liability for any loss or damages resulting from the use of this email and/or its attachments. But we will apologise.
We have no idea if this e-mail is free of errors, viruses, interception or interference.
--- I'm sure if I spent more time I could simplify it even more.---
Theirs:
Disclaimer and Confidentiality Note
This e-mail, its attachments, if any, and any rights attaching to it are, unless the context clearly indicates otherwise, the property of The South African Breweries Limited (SAB). It is confidential, private and intended for the addressee only. If you are not the addressee and receive this e-mail by error, please notify the sender, delete this e-mail immediately and do not disclose or use it in any manner whatsoever. Any views and opinions expressed in this e-mail are those of the sender. SAB accepts no liability for any loss or damages whatsoever, and howsoever incurred or suffered, resulting or arising from the use of this email and/or its attachments. SAB does not warrant the integrity of this e-mail or that it is free of errors, viruses, interception or interference.
______________
Mine:
Disclaimer and Confidentiality Note
This e-mail, its attachments, if any, and any rights attaching to it are, unless the context clearly indicates otherwise, the property of Simplicity Studios (Pty) ltd. It is confidential, private and intended for the addressee only.
If you are not the addressee and receive this e-mail by error- do the right thing!
Simplicity accepts no liability for any loss or damages resulting from the use of this email and/or its attachments. But we will apologise.
We have no idea if this e-mail is free of errors, viruses, interception or interference.
--- I'm sure if I spent more time I could simplify it even more.---
Reclaiming email disclaimers
Frances | 13 October 2006 | 19:12Congratulations on simplifying an awfully dense piece of legalese.
By breaking up the paragraph into smaller chunks, you've made it easier to read. You have also shortened the sentences. These are two important parts to plain langage.
I like the 'we have no idea if this email...' part.
We don't really like the construction 'and/or' - do we mean 'and' or 'or'? Here, I think 'or' would be perfectly acceptable.
Candice asked a question about the apology... even though you've said you're not liable, would this open you up to legal problems?
Here is our own disclaimer for you to compare:
This email may be confidential. If it is not meant for you, delete it right away and do not use any of the information in it.
We try hard to keep our emails free of viruses. However, we are not responsible if an email from us contains a virus.
By breaking up the paragraph into smaller chunks, you've made it easier to read. You have also shortened the sentences. These are two important parts to plain langage.
I like the 'we have no idea if this email...' part.
We don't really like the construction 'and/or' - do we mean 'and' or 'or'? Here, I think 'or' would be perfectly acceptable.
Candice asked a question about the apology... even though you've said you're not liable, would this open you up to legal problems?
Here is our own disclaimer for you to compare:
This email may be confidential. If it is not meant for you, delete it right away and do not use any of the information in it.
We try hard to keep our emails free of viruses. However, we are not responsible if an email from us contains a virus.
Would a 'please' hurt?
Lesley | 11 July 2007 | 10:55If it is not meant for you, delete it right away and do not use any of the information in it.
This is great and I hope the practice of short and simple spreads, but I would really like to see a 'please' in front of 'delete', ie If it is not meant for you, please delete it right away and do not use any of the information in it.
This is great and I hope the practice of short and simple spreads, but I would really like to see a 'please' in front of 'delete', ie If it is not meant for you, please delete it right away and do not use any of the information in it.
Nothing wrong with 'please'
Frances | 12 August 2007 | 21:56It gives a softer tone to the email.
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